The Day You Went Away

不要相信男人，尤其是那些身上有點錢又頗有姿色的斯文敗類。


這張照片幾乎就占了09年4月4日蘋果頭版的四分之一，望著賈姓女藝人淚流滿面的照片，不由得心生同情憐憫。根據報上及眾家媒體云云，自從賈姓女藝人與孫姓男子結婚之後，部分親友便不看好這段婚姻。除了孫姓男子在婚前婚後的外遇誹聞不斷，也傳出賈姓女藝人與男方家人不合。先不論這其中的是非對錯，看著照片的同時，心中也不斷提問：為什麼每一次有公眾人物在婚姻上的問題浮出檯面之後，扮演弱者的（或被迫扮演）總是女性？除了前一陣子吵得沸沸揚揚的伊哈婚變，媒體的鏡頭捕捉到不少瘐姓男藝人狀似落寞的表情之外（但至今我還是認為這些照片只是媒體自以為正義而去突顯並遣責伊姓女藝人的外遇行為），實在鮮少看到是男方淚流滿面地指控女方在這段婚姻的過程是如何如何讓他身受不公平待遇，甚至企圖剝奪他與兒女的關係。我想如果有，也是用喜劇的方式呈現。


「那個女藝人真的很誇張，記者會的過程就像在演戲一樣，還把寫給她女兒的信唸出來，她女兒才多大，看得懂那麼深的文字？我看連小學生都不見得懂她到底在寫什麼，這根本不像寫給小孩看，比較像給大人看的吧？她一定做了什麼不可原諒的事情，她老公才會一氣之下把女兒抱走…」友人B指責。


「 根本就是那女藝人犯賤，當初難道不是貪圖她老公的長相跟家裡的錢才嫁給人家，現在演變成這樣是要怪誰？」友人G也毫不留情的說。


但這些說法都遠比不上男方家的人或幫男方說話的人之後的指控。


公眾人物要逼得把自己的部分私生活如此赤裸裸地攤在陽光底下也實屬不堪。不過由另一個角度來看，藝人習慣了社會大眾把焦點放在他們身上，私生活轉變成為演藝事業的一部分也是無可奈何。更何況，賈姓女藝人這回是要捍衛女兒的監護權，為了要博得同情，也需要刻意營造出悲情形象。至於她手上那封寫給女兒的信，當然是寫給我們這些觀眾看的，用詞遣字也需要講究點，小學生看不懂也是正常的。可是不管賈姓女藝人做了什麼見不得人、傷天害理的事，兩個人也都是成年人了（不知道媒體為什麼要不斷強調男方的年紀比較小），是要彼此繼續妥協，還是乾脆離婚，兩人當面說清楚不是比較好嗎？男方把女兒拽了就走，不是給賈姓女藝人一個公開演內心戲的機會？


所謂「窈窕淑女，君子好逑。」如果大部分的人對於男人追求美麗的女子視為美好又值得祝福的事，為什麼女人因為外貌俊美而接受男人的追求就是犯賤？難道一定要下嫁給一個滿腦腸肥、頭禿肚凸，搞不好還有勃起障礙的老男人才是美德？再者，嫁給有錢人又何罪之有，全世界嫁給有錢人的女人難道只要賈姓女藝人一人？如果不是，為什麼又要她一人擔負這樣的污名？有機會為自己選擇一個更好的生活品質到底何錯之有？若是受到質疑的是那些夫家的錢財不是她自己掙來的，那麼那些含金湯匙出生的企業家第二代的財富難道是他們自己白手起家賺來的？如果把他們那些富有的第二代一出生就丟到窮人家裡長大，他們也能有如今的財富累積？


有人說結婚證書不能當作是婚姻的保障，會有這樣的說法也是太多人不按照婚姻的遊戲規則來走。簽下結婚證書的兩人難道不是像商場上合作關係的雙方簽下合約一般？不同的是結婚證書所承諾的可能是一輩子的時間。不可否認的是男人在性方面的先天條件遠比女人不足 ，於是必須一直跟不同的女人（或男人）發生性關係來獲得性的愉悅和滿足。可是在玩樂偷腥之餘，是不是也要想到自己還有一紙合約在身，跟另一個人尚有婚姻上的合約關係？倘若會因為玩樂偷腥而毀約，那麼當初簽約的時候是不是應該先好好想清楚？我相信沒有人會指責一個只願意遊戲人間而不願結婚的人，因為現在的人對兩性關係的想法真的開放很多。


若是當初選擇的生活方式變調，那不如選擇另一種生活方式。婚後兩人的關係發展如果不是自己當初追求（或夢想）的樣子，似乎也只有兩條路可以走：要不就別再眷戀，在這站下車結束彼此的關係，去搭下一班車去尋找自己想望理想婚姻生活的可能。再不然就要改變自己對婚姻生活的看法，因為大部分人們腦袋裡的理想婚姻和愛情的想法，都是上一代的教育和世俗莫名其秒的道德觀念所捏塑出來的，是不是適合現代人的生活模式，其實還有很大被討論的空間。所以如果另一半不能合襯互補自己不足的部分，生活在一起也是為瑣事成天爭吵不休，倒不如一個人生活或是帶著因無奈而出世小孩一起生活，誰說一定要是父母加小孩一起生活才是完整的家庭，單親也不見得是家庭結構下的原罪，獨自帶著小孩過生活也不見得就會有問題滋生。男人，就把它當成一時性需求的發洩工具吧！

090127


自動門鈴聲響起，一個女人闖了進來。


「歡迎光臨！」我喊。因為種種原因回到原來的便利商店工作，而喊話術是公司最基本的要求，喊得不好還會有人在你耳邊像蚊子擾人般碎碎念。這家店原來的大夜還曾經因為歡迎光臨的話術喊得不好而被客訴，甚至還被另一個酒醉的客人以為在問候他老媽，進而叫了一些人到店裡找麻煩，揚言說要揍那個大夜…其實到現在我還是不明白是怎麼把“謝謝光臨”聽成X你娘。


話題回到那女人身上，為什麼不說那女人「走」進來而用「闖」這個字？只因為那女人一進店裡就搖搖晃晃、三步併做兩步走。起先我以為她是醉到步履蹣跚，後來又認為她可能也有精神方面的問題。在便利商店上班，加上又是上大夜，像這樣奇怪的客人早就見怪不怪：有醉漢一進門即不明就理的破口大罵；也有人上門幫你大喊「歡迎光臨」的；還有情緒失控的母親把她從兒子床底下搜出來數張的遊戲儲值卡拿來店裡嚷著說要退貨…而為了不招惹更多的麻煩，唯一的辦法也只有儘快把他們打發出去，於是在心裡篤定對那女人只要依樣畫葫蘆就沒事了。她拿了雙拖鞋結完帳又說要換錢，但為了讓她趕快離開，於是推說收銀機裡沒有多餘的零錢…


「你們台灣人怎麼都這樣？」她帶著奇怪的口音對我咆哮。這下才仔細看清她的樣子，她長得其實還算好看，立體的五官如果不開口說話，會讓人誤以為她是個面貌佼好的原住民女子。既然她用了“你們台灣人”這幾個字眼，於是推測這女人不是大陸來的就是其他的外籍勞工（或新娘）。她臉上還有哭過的痕跡，加上她打赤腳（這時才發現她買拖鞋的原因）於是我猜想她剛才可能經歷了一場口角，甚至是肢體衝突…曾聽說台灣人到越南或其它國家挑選新娘都是一批批當地女子打扮好讓台灣人物色，看上某個女子便當下談好價錢買回家，如果看了不滿意再換下一批。我想部分的台灣男人（希望只是部分）面對如此極度物化方式的買妻過程，無可避免地把外籍新娘視為那男人財產的一部分，而不是把她們當做具有個體性的人來看待。有的男人肯花錢娶妻也許只是為了當做家裡生產生財的工具（我就曾親眼目睹台灣老公帶著外籍老婆到工廠應徵工作，而看那個台灣老公的樣子可能還在待業中…）。近來台灣的女性主義抬頭，大部分的台灣女性都已經不甘於只是男人的附屬品為男人所用，店裡的早班名惠有一回在幫忙影印的過程中，發現一個六年級的客人竟然還在冠夫姓便立刻老實不客氣地說：「都什麼時代了，還在冠夫姓？」這似乎是現在台灣女性的普遍想法，所以我想原本物化女人的鉫鎖便紛紛落在那些單純的外籍女性（我假設她們嫁來台灣的動機的是單純的）。


「你知道這附近哪裡有警察局？」那女人問，而她的問題証實了我部分的猜測。


「可是最近的警察局離這裡有一段距離，用走的話…」


那女人可能認為我不想幫忙，所以不等我說完便揚長而去，我跟了過去希望能幫點什麼，或許告訴她警局的方位，只是那女人迅速遠離，不理會我在她後頭的呼叫漸行漸遠，我則因為幫不上她一點忙而難過了一夜…

090111


我一個人躺在床上，望著天花板的樑上有一個小黑點。那黑點似乎是在繞著某個點在做規則的移動，於是我想那可能是迷途的螞蟻找不到家回，或是飽餐一頓的蚊子因為不知自制而吸太多血而在上頭不舒服地晃動。不然就是小蜘蛛在那裡手執獵物大塊朵頤地嚙咬著，因為那黑點彷彿靠著牠吐的絲在往下垂。可是最後發現那黑點就一直那樣繞行晃動，沒有做更大的移動。螞蟻再怎麼找不到家也應該會知道要趕快離開吧？蚊子也會在休息一陣之後就應該要飛走了，否則就會變成牆上的血印，至於蜘蛛真的要往下移動，也不會持續就這麼掛在上頭的某一點吧？所以我想所謂黑點的移動只是我的幻覺，它根本什麼都不是也沒有移動，只是我的心在動。


我站了起來湊近那一個黑點看了個仔細，証實了我最後的想法，一切都只是我自顧自地以為那可能是什麼生物在那上頭，結果只是個污點。然後想起了那個之前不以為然的故事：一面旗子隨風飄動，兩個和尚在爭是風動還是旗動，六祖惠能說，不是風動也不是旗動，是你的心在動。當時只是覺得那是什麼鬼道理？明明看到了就是旗子隨著風肆無忌憚地亂舞，怎麼會是心動？難道天外飛一顆石頭，就快要擊中你了，你還在傻傻地對著那個石頭說：它沒動，它沒動，動的是我的心，結果閃避不及被擊斃。是這樣嗎？這就是所謂的禪學嗎？如果禪學只是在闡述一個似是而非的道理，而這樣的道理又與我們生活上的科學相抵觸，那我們到底學來幹嘛？


然後又想起了往事。曾有人要我放棄現在的所有生活模式，跟著他的步伐進入他的生活。也曾對我說，他只要想到我就胃裡一陣翻攪（希望不是因為噁心想吐），覺得我們註定要在一起。才和他見面分開沒多久就傳來說想我的簡訊，然後頻頻向我訊問下次見面的時間…當時曾被這些舉動所感動，然後在轉身準備接受他傳遞過來的訊息後，對方已經消逝不見，之後還發現對方並沒因為這段感情沒有繼續而難過，他照樣過他的生活，就像一切都沒有發生般自然，才明白真正難過的只有自己，他人並沒有因此被影響到一丁點。


六祖所言甚是，果然是心動。當初對方的一舉一動一言一行可能都是因為背後有著不足為外人道也的自私理由，而我逕自投入了自己的想像空間。他人都沒有動，真的只是自己心動…

**Food or Freedom


There are a lot of homeless cats wandering around our neighborhoods. Usually, some people would leave them some leftovers or buy them some cat's stuffs. Eating maybe is not a big problem for them. But with the coming of winter you would hear the wailing sound of the cats. It would make you blood-curdling in the winter night.


There are cats lying in the love seat. We prepare them clothes and comforts for keeping warm. We also offer them the delicious cuisine for meal. They all feel comfortable living in the cozy environment. But sometimes I would think is this the best situation for them? Perhaps they want to experience the outside world and freedom. They would face the freezing winter and fighting for food. If you were a cat, what would you do? Would you choose warm and food or freedom?


**The Birth of Venus


After Cronus castrate his father, Uranus. He went back to the ocean, where he first appeared. He died with hatred. And then the opposite number, Venus associated with love and beauty emerged from the same place. I have to admire the amazing creativeness of the ancient people. He combined the two different things and made sense. I was struck when the Western Literature professor recounted this mythology.


In the modern society, we hardly meet the similar brilliant stories like mythology. The progressive culture didn't improve our mind. We just keep making money and developing and ruining the environment we live at the same time. The factory poured the pollution, the loathsome stuffs, in to the river but didn't create another Venus.

那曾經是美好的事物，竟一度變成你的夢魘，因為與他的決裂而無辜遭受他殘忍言語的攻擊（至今你仍認為你確實是無辜的）。我對你的身體已經沒有感覺了，他說。他在敘述這段話的時候是冷靜不加思索地真實吐露，他真的是對你的身體不感興趣了，只是這些字眼也沒有在他腦子裡稍稍繞一下看是否適合在分手的當口提出，沒有想過如此直接的言說是否像利器般傷人，像他曾粗魯地將他粗大的陰莖肆意在你的體內進出。當然也不曾想過這番說辭是不是會造成對方日後的陰影而被禁錮，然後不小心讓兩人都上了蘋果的頭版…


沒有！完全沒有！他就這麼將話從他的狗嘴吐了出來，你得到了一個答案，也明白為什麼你在某個時間始終連繫不上他，話雖傷人，但至少仍然是個確切的答案，你也可以因此得到某種解脫，至少不用在抱著電話等他打來。相較他之前的道歉，這一次的言語是絲毫不加掩飾的。「你不可以這樣！我不是你養的流浪狗，你不可以要養就養，不養就把我丟了…」你虛弱地對他抗議，你講電話的環境人來人往，你盡力壓抑在體內狂亂翻攪的情緒，掛了電話。他曾是你認為可以依靠的終點，如今卻成為不斷上演的惡夢。正如你曾經陶醉於古典音樂的迷人旋律，就因為他職業的緣故，在一次某人向你介紹大陸的一個聲樂家時，就當那渾厚男聲從音響裡一躍而出，你幾乎要掩耳逃離現場。這該死不斷循環的惡夢…你咒罵。

**The sky of the night


I still remember when I served in the army in Dong-sha, which is a small island far away from Taiwan. It made me feel uncertain and unfamiliar when I got there. I didn't know what would happen next or whether I can adapt to the new environment.


But the isolated island has nothing but sand. In the daytime, you could see only white sand and clear blue sea. In the nighttime, you could see thousands of stars twinkled in the sky. Even you can see Milky Way clearly. Almost every night, if I got bored and had nothing to do, I would go out and study the Scorpio. I was so excited because I never have the experience when I live in Taipei. Taipei always has cloudy sky. Once you get a chance to see one or two stars in the sky as if you had got an invaluable treasure.


It seemed that every newcomer felt sad when they got here. Most of them were afraid of losing their loved ones because of the distance. I got a chance to talk to one of the newcomers and try to comfort him.


"You know, you can enjoy the magnificent scenery and try to divert your attention." I said.


"How?" he said, "I live south Taiwan. The scenery you said is familiar to me, so I can't feel how special here is!" I really felt sorry for him and got nothing to say.


**The ways they weep


A Taiwanese writer, Hu Pin-qing, has passed away on September 30. Most of her works are the translations of French literature and essays. She has contributed a lot to the literary arena in Taiwan. But I assume there are not too many people would know her because average people in Taiwan did not read so much. I only saw her sad news on the Internet and did not notice something about her on TV, not to mention the animal on the verge of extinction. Who care them?


The president of Ben Q, Li Kun-yao claimed he would like to quit investing his money in Siemens. He admitted that he failed in the amalgamated business and tried to make up. So he has to make this decision. Then a journalist asked him a question.


"Do you think this will affect the reputation of the company?"


"Why you asked a question like that? " Li almost burst into tears and choked with sobs.


Another guy call Wang Hong-chuan is used to go on a trip to mainland China by bicycle. He always has dreams to visit the spot like Mongolia, Tibet, Sahara, Siberia and the Himalayas. In order to go to these places, he quit his teaching job to fulfill his dreams. Every time he comes across the deserts, grasslands, ice sheets, it would always make him wild with joy. When he faced the thousand miles without people alone, the magnificence stunned him and didn't know what to do. And then he wailed for joy.

081028


朋友最近抱怨我太久沒有寫東西，一下子心生愧疚，於是又開始敲鍵盤…


沒空書寫的理由太多，惰性當然是其中之一，但更大部分的原因要歸咎於最近的生活真的過的太亂，使原來計畫好的生活模式一而再三地被打擾，連睡眠的時間都很不一定，當然是因為工作的關係。必須有時睡白天，有時又得在晚上休息，身體甚至自己都懷疑現在該是在睡眠的狀態抑或是醒的？學校的功課更是別提了。腦中的想法仍舊很繁雜，深怕它們還來不及化為文字就消失蒸發了，我想我要趕快改變現況，不然下一步該怎麼走都茫然了（我很久沒有茫然的感覺了）。


我們的愛情壽命維持不到一年，為什麼想到一年這個單位？因為目前的時間緩緩移到當初我們相識的季節。不要說一年，半年好像都不到，有一個月嗎？我忍不住想，然後心虛的問自己。所以人們追求的永恆是什麼？永恆所帶給人們的意義又是什麼？不斷想起楊照在他書中提出的疑問：「會不會愛的原則不再必然上升到蘇格拉底所揭示的境界，也許性的原則才更接近永恆？」所謂蘇格拉底所揭示的境界在他書中的前一段也有解釋：「愛情應該超越肉體，在肉體之上追求更高更恆久的喜悅與尊嚴…」愛情究竟該是什麼模樣？如果愛情的樣貌是如此抽象而又茫然不知其所以然，那麼人們長久所提倡追求的又是什麼？如果純粹的愛情不能引領人們到永恆的狀態，那麼是否純然的性愛就可以到達愛情所不能至的理想模式？所以永恆究竟是什麼？我又問了一次自己，我們追求永恆又是為了什麼？


我在沒有希望的地方佇守，各種形式的訊自持續透露出令人絕望的消息除了陽痿的股市之外，在毒奶的新聞之後，雞蛋好像也有問題，所以在這此種種不樂觀的狀態底下，我到底還可以因為什麼而驕傲？又或著，我還能怎麼驕傲？反問這些問題是因為我仍然感覺到自己的存在而驕傲，即便是目前客觀的生活已經一片混沌，世界也許在下一秒就分崩離析了。

**Rain


It has been raining several days. I have got sick and tired of it. It's so inconvenient that I have to ride about an hour to school. But it looked so different while drizzling at night. When lamplight lit up the raindrops, it became illusions.


It is a pile of salt spread into the air. It looks like insects swarmed to the light. It would be many sweet-scented osmanthus blooming all at once. It likes tiny pearls floating in the air. It is my beloved's kiss falling on my face. In that cases, I might be in love with rain.


Sometimes, I would go to the hill not far from where I live. It's not difficult for me to hike the hill. There are a lot of people exercising there. One of the reasons I went there is to wear off the fat. But I never make it come true. The opposite mountains catch fire from time to time. The whole mountain would became a brown colossus. But after few months, the mountain was back to green. It impressed me that the plants on the mountain have such exuberant vitality.


**Life


That is a beginning of a life.


There was a child wobbling on the lane. She tried to use her steps to experience the world. The steps may not be so steady, but she adjusted every time she took a stride. Just like a seed begin to germinate. We all have never known what the next we would come across.


That is an ending of a life.


On my way to school, I saw people crowded and blocked the road. I thought the throngs of people are those who protested against President Chen at first. But soon I realized that was a traffic accident. During passing the traffic accident scene, I saw a big white cloth covered an object. I believed that under the cloth is a human body. There was a ambulance stood by. If there was a dead dog or cat in the middle of the road, that would be a different situation. People usually don't treat other species as a treasure as a human.

080921


他說，愛情對他目前來說是內在價值。


我不語，其實也無力反駁，對愛情的解釋每個人本來都有他不同的方式，用自己的經驗去看待別人的狀態是很不客觀也很無禮（什麼時候我又在乎起客觀這回事來了？）。


有內在價值當然就有外在價值，所謂的外在價值的事物就是當你追求某種東西的目的，其實是為了要追求這個東西背後的東西。好比說鮮少有人是為了追求錢而賺錢的，賺錢的目的當然是為了追求金錢所帶來的便利及享受，而追求便利及享受也是為了要追求生活上的幸福和快樂。因此不論是金錢、便利或享受這都是追求者的外在價值，而當追求幸福和快樂的背後如果再也想不到其它的目的，換句話說，追求幸福和快樂成為追求者的最後目的，那就幸福和快樂便成為追求者的內在價值。


他是那麼努力又急於解釋分析所謂的內在價值和外在價值（另一方面他又特別強調內外價值都是有價值的東西，所以沒有貴賤之分），然後又說追求愛情對他現階段而言是最後目的，他是為了愛情而追求愛情，並不會因為愛情沒有為他帶來幸福快樂而放棄愛情。於是我介意他這段話，因為這不是我要的愛情樣貌，如果愛情不能為我帶來幸福快樂，便決定捨棄，也許會在得不到幸福快樂而拘泥一陣子，心存一線希望等待愛情的改變。但是當發覺頹圮的愛情不能再修復，我就會離開這滿目瘡痍的廢墟，不再流連忘返。

**The teaching style


I decided back to G.V.O. in order to get a chance to practice speaking. I always hope I could speak English like a native speaker. I chose Hazel's class because not many students choose her class. She hardly speaks mandarin and never uses difficult words in class. So I can get her every single word and feel free to talk to her.


I realized I was totally wrong while I was stepping into the classroom. More than ten students packed the classroom. And I had no choice but to take a seat far away from Hazel. I can't believe Hazel wouldn't change her style of teaching. She always has no exact topic every time I join her class. Her class is more like chatting class, not teaching. Sometimes she even whisper to the students close to her. What kind of the way people would call it teaching?


"What is your purpose studying English here?" A little girl in the same class asked me.


"I have paid for three years' class. That's why I am here."


"I appreciate this kind of people like you. I think I would never study hard like this."


"It's nothing to appreciate. I just do what I have to do."


Every word I told her is true. In my age, to have a skill is not enough. You have to force yourself to learn some extra skills such as foreign languages, computer, technique. Or you would be eliminated through the competitions in society. I just wouldn't lose my ability to earn a living.


**Sound of birds


There was a girl sitting in a talk show on TV. The title of the show was "What is going on with cosmetic surgery." I couldn't find out what kind of appearance problems the girl has. And after a while the girl started complaining her appearance such as her protruding jaw and too-small earlobes. Even though the other people in the show didn't think that is a big deal. But the "imperfect" girl said all her friend kept joking with her protruding jaw and pull her jaw to tease her. She also wanted to have bigger lobes and she can wear as many earrings as she want. She has always envied some of her friends have big beautiful earlobes and wear a number of fancy earrings.


It reminds me a news report the other day. A girl didn't satisfy with her feature. So she went to the hospital and asked for plastic surgery. After twice plastic surgery, she still unsatisfied the results. She kept asking doctor do the third surgery. But the doctor disapprove of her idea. The doctor said she has to wait a period of time to do the next surgery. The girl would not take the doctor's advice. And she ended up committing suicide.


I got a new idea from Professor Diamond. She said birds can sing many musical notes. They also can communicate to the others. We don't know just because we don't understand birds' language. This is something I never thought about. So I think if we care about something we don't know or something we should know more often, it would be a good way to shift attention. To care less about myself may quit taking unnecessary pains to work on an insignificant problem.


**The stray dogs


On the way back home, I saw a dog lay on the roadside. I learned that he was not sleeping there because I noticed some liquid emerging from his body. His blood even flowed through the road. He is a quite big dog. You would be scared how much blood he had bled. He probably was hit by a vehicle. He used to be someone else's dear pet. Now he ended up dying beneath the wheels.


My boss told me he used to raise a dog as a pet. But after the dog ruining his couch, my boss freed the dog. Actually, the outside world is very dangerous. It's more dangerous when you stroll along the road. How could you be sure to make a small muddled animal safe along on the road? Sometimes release could be the equivalent of execution.

080913


1. 我痛恨這樣的鬼天氣，尤其是突如其來的滂沱大雨，更是令我痛恨。不過最最痛恨的還是當我在室內的時候一點雨也沒有，一出室外就又下起大雨了。除了極度痛恨，我簡直氣到想不到更好的形容詞來咒罵，等雨停再來想好了。


2. 聽到Christine娓娓道來她的疼痛覺得很不忍，她常常痛到只能躺在床上哭著等止痛藥的效果發生，這一等往往是二個小時，想想有多少個兩小時是不經意地被自己揮霍的？儘管如此，她還是極力去表現她最光明的一面，於是作為旁觀者的我聽了更是難過。


3. 我決定不再把頭髮剪短，因為那是你喜歡的樣子。


4. 有些燃眉之急的事就被我這麼擱在一旁，然後假裝沒事地過著我平靜的日子，不是我不擔心不介意不放在心上，只是覺得該發生的事情一旦發生之後，解決的辦法總是出奇不意地出現，這算是我太樂觀了嗎？


5. 雖然鬍鬚爬滿了他整個下巴跟臉頰，可是依然嗅得出來他保有的年輕氣息，那一個個年輕的樣貌逼視我的衰頹，讓我有些不知所措。我也曾擁有青春的果實，只是我從來不曾好好享用，於是當英美小說的蘇老師說青春期應該是一個人最精彩的時期的那一刻，我竟然心虛了起來。


6. 別跟愛情打交道，我說。因為那持有給予愛情的一方會要求把你的專情交給他，在你被說服之後交出了你的感情，他卻說：你真的很專情，但我不是。然後才驚覺在愛情之下沒有所謂的平等互惠原則，不是你給出去了什麼，就會回收到什麼。一下子，就必須要再重組你原來的價值觀。


7. 規定自己每天要唸一篇原文詩、至少一個日語句型、一篇短短的德文會話，還有幾句韓語。朋友總問我為什麼要學這麼多用不到的語言，他們得到的回答也是：沒為什麼，就只是單純的喜歡，我甚至不期待哪天真的用上了。

I still remember what the white lies my mother told me when I was a child. When I didn’t finish my rice, even if I just left one in my bowl, my mother always warned me that if I don't finish it all, I would marry a ugly woman whose face have a lot of pockmark. While we have leftover after dinner, I would be demanded to dump it to hogwash containers. Once I didn't do it appropriately, Thunder God might strike me to die. My mother forbade me to tap chopsticks on bowls. I might be a beggar next life. Don't point the moon directly, or it would cut your ears off. "Don’t you think the quarter just like a sickle?" my mother said. Don't even think about doing evil things such as stealing money, telling lies and doing something go against your conscience. Because there is a God right above your head, not very far from you, watching everything you do. And you would get the retribution by what you did. Don't eat chicken's feet, or you would tear all your textbooks sheet by sheet. And you would never get a good grade in the future. Your comprehension ability on what you study would disappear. Never have a chance to get it back.


To be honest, I was really scared out of my wits and believed that might be truth about the white lies. I can understand some of those. It is a pure motive to ask you "finish your rice in the bowl" or "dump leftover in a hogwash containers". Perhaps you wouldn't waste food if someone told you so. Especially when experience poverty, waste of food shouldn't be allow. I would consider "don't point the moon directly" not only show your respect to the God on the moon, but also it is impolite to point someone else directly. When children couldn't differentiate between good things and evil things and parents can't keep an eye on them all the time, tell them about "the God above your head" might be a good idea to keep them away from doing something bad. No matter how hard I try, however, I never figured out why my mother always admonished me not to eat chicken feet. What is the connection between chicken feet and grade? It could be my mother is too selfish to let me eat the feet so that she could enjoy all the chicken feet by herself. This is the only story I wouldn't buy. So once I eat one chicken foot in secret after she preparing dinner. When my mother found out what I did, she huffed irritably "Why you don't listen to me? Now you would never get a good grade and would be a worker in a factory the rest of your life!" I think my mother was right about that. I already spent most of my time working in factories.


Recently, we received many bad news. Someone destroyed the rail and led to a terrible accident. Government asked money from big firm owner for taxes but the owner rebuked the government and said it practiced communism. And more and more scandals were uncovered. Since we got some white lies to prevent the young from doing evil things. Why we don't have some to prevent adult from doing something bad? A teacher in German class said when he was a kid, he attended a relative's funeral. He happened to see a picture of eighteen stories of hell. Inside the picture, he saw a variety of punishment. Someone was cut off their tongue for telling lie. Be thrown into the boiling wok for invading and occupying someone else's property or wives… so he never has nerve to do something bad. "We already have eighteen stories of hell. Why should we need 侯友宜?" he joked.

080910


看到97年8月15日中國時報的人間副刊裡，詹偉雄先生在《三少四壯集》裡寫了一篇文叫〈交換舞伴〉，因為裡頭的歌詞翻譯很美，於是上網查了一下它的原文。


We were waltzing together to a dreaming melody.


When they called out "Change Partners," and you waltzed away from me.


Now my arms feel so empty, as I gaze around the floor.


And I'll keep on changing partners, till I hold you once more.


Though we danced for one moment, and too soon we had to part.


In that wonderful moment something happened to my heart.


So I'll keep changing partners till you're in my arms and then.


Oh! My darling I will never change partners again.


我們在這個舞池分開後一定還會不斷地交換舞伴，然後有時還會因為氣氛或是別的不明原因跟我們的舞伴說：我喜歡你。然後再逕自找下一個可能的舞伴。我很清楚這次和你分開之後，我們不會再某個跳舞的場合再相遇。


開學之後，又再次將熟悉的感覺拼回到自己的身上。這有點像五官不知道散落在何處，然後只靠自己雙手的觸覺去摸索眼睛、鼻子、嘴巴…的所在，找到它們之後，再將它們一點一點拼回它們原來該有的位子。現在的我似乎漸漸找回過去的失去的感覺，除了上英美詩選的時候，葉老師咄咄逼人問問題方式，還是讓我習慣不起來。


下課後，Jennifer來跟我噓寒問暖，問我工作怎麼了？上課這兩天是否還習慣？還有就是問我為什麼感覺跟以前不一樣了？


當然不一樣了，我也想知道他上哪兒去了。


我趴著，感受時間在我的前面流動，我跟著動。


對你的恨在腦子裡無邊無際的延伸，溢出腦外。

**The stage play


I saw a teenage couple hugging to each other so tight and leaving no breathing space. They might probably assume they walked in to a place where is no one there but themselves. In fact, we were all in the bustling street. A few people were pass them by. Even though the whole society is much more open than before. I think I still disagree to the way they acted. It's no need to perform their "stage play" in public. They can do whatever they want to inside. And what the next they would do after a suffocated embrace? Maybe move them a double bed could make them relax and comfortable?


**My bad temper


Finally, I showed my anger to my classmates, and said that it is really a bad manner not to join the classes. Of course, I knew clearly it's not my business after all. But still couldn't help thinking they're wasting their precious time and money. It's almost the same way I used to do. And then got furious.


"Should we ask Jenny and Betty join our group for the presentation?" Jennifer asked.


"Actually, I got irritated last time we prepared the presentation. One of our group contributed nothing and got the easy credit..."


"You mean John..."


"Exactly! It's Johnny! Tell me, what is the conflicts in Young Goodman Brown?" Jennifer shook her head.


"See. You've never skipped this class but still couldn't figure out what's the conflict and where is it in the story. So, how would I ask someone who just joined this class once? What hell do you think Jenny and Betty could offer any idea for the paper and the presentation?" I scolded sharply.


On the way home after class, Ann told me why Jenny always skips classes.


"One of the reasons she said is that Joe's homework is too difficult to understand. She needs more time to prepare it."


"It is ridiculous," I said. "Joe's stuff is easier than last semester he gave us. She has gone through one semester, and her English even doesn't improve a little? What kind of excuse she gave you? I think only one word can explain her attitude, laziness." I raised my voice, wagged my head and shook my body just like a nut.


I felt regret to get hysteria when got home. I may hurt someone this way and have no awareness. Others may think I'm odd and unreasonable. Why would I show my bad temper in public. I think I make a worse example to others.

080807


在你被Margaret的The Handmaid's Tale裡的一個警衛射殺女僕的場景逗得笑到不可自抑的同時，你發現自己要的只是簡單的快樂而己，更棒的是，這種快樂竟是垂手可得。天很藍，白雲很白，在這個美好的時光裡，你又何必鎖在幽閉陰暗的負面情緒裡？


連日來的精神持續煎熬已經消耗了你原有的意志力，你發現某一部分的自己已經死透，不會再醒過來，就算他回心轉意想要重新開始，也救不活那已經死去的。


他不會懂，你在心裡喊著。他不會懂這種被狠心遺棄而失落和沮喪的痛。他不會懂，他即使會懂，也是以他的膚淺的視野角度去認知你所承受的痛苦。不然，愛與不愛不會像兒戲一般，被他輕易就決定了。雖然你極力要避開這一切不堪的發生，但是還是就這麼墮落到你見不著的深淵。


你沈浸在李昂《迷園》的故事裡，那幾句心痛的文字就這麼映入眼簾：「既知曉命定要被遺棄，我們，那風塵女郎、那歌曲、以及我，便只有自己先行棄絕情愛，如此，歷經了含帶悔恨的無奈與愁怨，在自我棄絕的心冷意絕中，便有了那無止無盡的墮落與放縱…」


心有戚戚地反複咀嚼這段文字，心想往後屬於你的時光應該亦是如此這般的寫照，投入一段深刻的感情，然後像拋棄流浪狗般被拋棄，然後再投入另一段感情，之後再度被拋棄，於是可能就會演變成昨晚你對Max說的一樣，最後就淪為不斷地尋找一夜情的形式。至於感情的部分，那潛藏在心中脆弱柔軟的部分，你是說什麼都不再碰觸了，也不允許他人的介入。


最近大部分的時間裡，你都像枯枝般呆坐在一個位子上，他那日無情的語調伴著耳鳴持續鑽進你的耳裡，甚至滲進了你的腦中，想起他曾說過他是個好人，後來當你質疑他的薄情時，他又說不然就把他當成你之前遇上的那些無情的懷人好了，這可以算是雙重性格嗎？對他來說是新鮮肉體時就是一種性格，待他玩膩了之後就呈現出另一種性格了嗎？不堪，你說，真的很不堪。


我想學會如何尋找一個支撐點，把凌亂破碎的自己收攏後，再從支撐點把自己向上撐起，結果每次總以為成功撐起自己之後，又不經意地跌落在地上，好不容易拼湊完整的肢體又破碎。我看見自己的軀幹和四肢分散在四處，然後我嘗試再重來一次…

When my mother conceived her the third baby, everyone in my family including my father all strongly opposed the idea to give birth to my younger brother. They thought she didn't have an ability to take care of another kid and suggested that she should have an abortion immediately. But since my mother lost her second, she's been thinking to have another baby to recover from the lost of the second one. She decided to disobey what my family told her. Then she gave birth to her the third baby.


Gradually, I became a naughty teenager. I heard accidentally my uncle told my mother I was not the son she can rely on the rest of her life. He thought my younger brother was more reliable. On the contrary, I was a selfish person and refused to look after someone else. My mother seemed to believe everything my uncle told her deeply. And then I found my mother was automatic to satisfy my brother's need. Almost everything as long as my mother could afford such as computer and motorcycle would be purchased, even though that could lose her shirt. But she didn't treat me the same as my brother. So, in spite of my mother's strong opposition, I decided to move out and rented a flat with my coworker when I left the army.


After moving out, my mother phoned me whenever she would like to.


"What am I going to do? Every time your brother got the money and disappears right away."


"I think I told you thousand times. Don't give that wastrel any money. Why did you never listen to me?" I said indignantly.


"Now I feel that I was doing wrong. I shouldn't spoil him and made him feel that he could take everything from me."


"How old is he? He is a grown-up already. Why can he get the money so easy? Why did I never have the privilege? The money you gave him is my money. I gave you the money to get on. Why can his take the money without my permission? I'm not an ATM."


"I've said I'm wrong. Do you know what he has done? He sold the motorcycle to exchange money. I still pay for the credit of the motorcycle." cried my mother.


Sometimes, my mother would ask me for extra money. I hardly asked her where the money go. I know she gave the money to my brother. How could I stop a mother devoted herself to her favorite? Additionally, she never gets any advantage from the son.


I always try to give positive concepts to my brother. Hope he could find a proper job and choose a right way to do everything he want to. But things are not going along nicely. I thought he would continue his studies. Even he wouldn't proceed with his school work also would get a "normal" job. He went to evening high school for a year and then dropped out. And it seemed that he couldn't find a long term job. Every time I called him and realized he got another work or between jobs. I also tried my best to help him find a job and asked what kind of career was he dream about. He not only didn't appreciate what I've done for him but said he had had a number of ideas to enrich. After a phone call, things got beyond my understanding.


"What have you been doing lately?" I asked.


"I sold adult video CDs."


"YOU DO WHAT? Why do you think to sell adult video CDs is a fantastic achievement? What could you tell your father in law if you get married in the future? How would you introduce yourself to your girl friend's family? Would you tell them your job is selling adult video CDs and bring them some samples?" I got a shock.


"I guess you never stand a chance to get to know me. I wouldn't consider what I've done is good or bad, legal or illegal as long as I can make a big money. Do you know what else I did? I handed out the fly of the wineshop, which is a place men come to look for women to sleep with. I even have a plan to hire some betel nut beauties to sell betel nut." He said proudly.


"Are you really my brother? You sound like a stranger to me. I thought I've given you right ideas when you were still very young. I thought the way you think is about the same with me. As a matter of fact, that's all my own wishful thinking. Now I feel it's impossible for us to have an agreement. You have your own opinion and I have mine. Be realistic and don't think to get rich but do nothing." I tried so hard to convince him.


All my brother thinks is to get rich. He even didn't hesitate to offend against the law. He got fatter every time I saw him. His movement was slow, and his appearance looked like a homeless person. He has already become lazy to work nine-to-five. I kept persuading him to change his mind and back to a normal life. And then I learned it's just waste of time. He ended up getting nowhere. My mother, my brother and I like three little eddy and felt into a bigger whirlpools. We all wanted to enter another eddy and get a solution, but got excluded by other one. Unfortunately, it would seem that the things never end, even though my mother had passed away.

080904


你是Pygmalion塑造出來不完美的雕像，由於是不完美的緣故，所以無緣接觸Aphrodite的神奇魔法，而將你變成活生生的人，然後得到愛情，你註定要被封閉在這冰冷殘缺的雕像中，在每個夜裡任憑寂寞侵蝕——你原本溫熱的心。


我在敘說著一個不太一樣的故事。


當Uranus身受重傷沈沒在當初他出生的海裡，海水被血水染紅，化成腥紅的泡沫，此刻Uranus發現他被丟棄的陰莖開始發生了變化，然後他似乎明白了什麼事，於是潛在海中靜靜等待事情的發生。天空一片蔚藍，那是他憎恨的顏色，天使從天上來，女神也向海邊靠近，很明顯的，他們正要迎接某人的誔生。果其不然他的陰莖幻化成一個美麗的女體，他們叫她做Venus，然後那個美麗的女體正要冒出海面上，可以預見的是她將為世上帶來愛情的發生，但是也將因為她的美麗而惹出事端，愛神的稱呼放在她的身上絕對會是一種諷刺。Uranus這時做了個決定，他伸手抓住了Venus的腳，天空即刻烏雲密佈，天使臉色大變，已經感覺到有事要發生，他們不要淌這場混水，事情原本不應該是這樣發展，於是他們消失。在一旁的女神早就不知遁形到哪兒去，留下花容失色的Venus不知所措。Venus拼命掙扎企圖要掙脫，但Uranus一施力立刻將Venus拖回了海裡，將原本腥紅的海水染得更為深紅，Venus只呻吟了一聲就溺死在海裡，那原本就屬於Uranus兩腿間的東西，他只是把它要回來罷了，Uranus將雙眼露出海面，思考著怎麼處置那些給他傷害的人，他要Cronus也跟他一樣的遭遇，他要親手將Cronus陰莖切下來，至於Gaea那個婊子，他要好好地把她折磨至死…


Christine這時抗議，那麼從此就沒有愛神了啊！


所以呢？我問。

那幾乎成為我們的慣性，逛完了書店，我們就會到重慶南路上的一家Starbucks裡坐坐聊是非，雖然咖啡的價格有點難以接受，不過基於方便的緣故，加上附近又沒有比較像樣的地方，35元咖啡裡的椅子坐了屁股又會痛，所以來Starbucks變成我們幾個人的習慣，跟流行扯不上一點關係。我點了一杯紅茶拿鐵，台灣人的習慣，拿鐵二字就代替了拿鐵咖啡，可是拿鐵（latte）其實只是牛奶，在國外點latte的話，可能只會給你一杯奶，所以紅茶拿鐵就是紅茶加了大量的奶。


我啜飲了一大口紅茶拿鐵，Jeanine挨近了我：「剛看你在中央出版社光是買了兩本德文書好像就快一千塊了，什麼書要這麼貴？」


「沒辦法，台灣非英語的外語需求有限，相對供應的書店自然不多，物以稀為貴，有這樣需求的人就只能做待宰羔羊。」


「可是有一本不是上學期的課本嗎？幹嘛又買？」小詹問。


「我把那本忘在別人家裡了，因為跟那個人已經打死不相往來了，所以就再買本新的囉！」


「真是浪費錢…」Jeanine抱怨。


然後不知怎地又聊到性這上頭來。


「我國中的時候是男女分班，當時我就很欣賞班上的幾個男同學…」阿傑回憶道。


阿傑很小就發現自己喜歡同性，而國中剛好又是第二性徵開始明顯發育的時間，也是青少年開始對異性產生好奇的時刻，幾個男學生聚在一起無非就是在討論學校裡的哪個馬子很正點，再不然就是私下傳閱“小本的”，班上的小黃不知道去哪弄來的黃色漫畫，裡頭的女體個個身材姣好，從乳房、陰毛到性器官，描繪得無一不仔細，好似活生生的女體就赤條條地站在前方。這讓阿傑很苦惱，在同儕裡為了表現自己並非異於常人，他永遠只能跟同學們談論異性的五官、身材、胸部、乳頭的顏色，甚至是兩腿間最私密的禁地…


最讓阿傑痛並快樂的是每逢體育課的時候，由於大夥都是男孩子，於是都不避諱在教室裡直接寬衣解帶，一個個年青初熟的肉體，精壯結實略有雛形的肌肉，白內褲微微隆起處，發育早一點的已經全身上下該長毛的地方全長齊了，些都足以讓阿傑褲襠裡的小傢伙不安分，有時按捺不住熊熊慾火，就趁著午休大家熟睡時，圍著外套就在教室內就地自慰起來。快樂的是他可以盡情窺視這些年輕新鮮的肉體，痛的是一個他都不能碰。


當時學校盛行一種叫阿魯巴的無聊遊戲，就是幾個人抓著一個受刑者將他的兩腳打開，再將受刑者的鼠蹊部選定一根柱子撞下去，完成這個動作以後所有人即刻作鳥獸散，因為被拋在地上的受刑者會立刻起身狩獵下一個活該倒霉的就受刑人。除了阿魯巴，平時同學們之間還興起「捉雞」的動作。


「有時是突然有人往你的下體碰一下，有時是先摸大腿來個前戲，然後再突然往那話兒整個用力握住，那樣就像有人用力掐住你的脖子，露出顆頭在喊救命。」阿傑笑說。


「你們男生玩的遊戲真野蠻！」Jeanine露出不屑的表情。


這些不入流的嬉戲卻提供阿傑一個可以接觸同性身體的機會，雖說別人身上有的自己身上也不缺，可是同一件“東西”長在別人身上的感覺就很不一樣了。好比有次阿傑藉故偷襲班長的下體，然後才發現班長的那話兒大得有點不像話，這實在讓阿傑興奮異常。阿傑如法泡製，假開玩笑之名，行性騷擾之實，動手撫摸一個他很喜歡的同學，那個同學皮膚黝黑光滑，臉上卻保有斯文氣質，笑起來開朗陽光，一副銀邊的鏡框鑲嵌在既稚氣又成熟的臉上，阿傑深覺這樣的臉孔，是可以看上一輩子。阿傑剛開始對他動手的時候，表面上看起來正如嬉鬧般自然，久而久之那個同學開始激烈抵抗阿傑侵犯的動作：「住手啦！你是變態喔！」


玩笑也許開得太過份，已經超出他人可以接受的範圍，之後阿傑就再也不敢和那個同學說話。


「所以說性騷擾這回事並不侷限在男對女或女對男上面，也有可能是同性間的性騷擾，只要是被騷擾的一方有不舒服的感覺，其實就構成騷擾的事實。」我說。


「是這樣沒錯，就像前一陣子有則新聞鬧得沸沸揚揚，網路也有許多聲音在討論這件事情，某飯店的女性主管不僅扯裙還襲胸摸乳，甚至會碰觸男性員工的下體，最後一群人還訴諸法津。」小詹說。


「我公司裡也有年輕小姐跟我抱怨某個資深的女性員工不時會撥開她的衣服，想看她今天穿了什麼內衣，有次甚至誇張到要把手伸到胸罩裡，年輕小姐已經出口制止了，沒想到資深女員工竟然還說：『唉喲！ 這有什麼關係？反正大家都是女人，摸一下又不會少塊肉…』」


年輕小姐事後有開玩笑表示，如果摸一下會少塊肉的話，那她倒很願讓別人多摸幾下，這樣她就不用花錢減肥了。


我繼續說：「我知道資深女員工是出自好奇，才會想要用手去秤秤看其他女人胸部的重量，我跟她聊過這件事，她甚至沒有意識到她這樣的行為已經構成性騷擾了，我還告訴她，如果不想被告的話，最好是停止這樣的行為。」


Jeanine把她手上的咖啡放下：「男人當然是不可以這麼做，可是如果是女孩子或是女同學，只要不是太過分，我都不會覺得那是個騷擾，我都可以接受。」


「我其實是很懷疑你所謂的接受…」我對Jeanine說。


“接受”一詞在同性間的騷擾過程是件可怕的行為，因為同性間的騷擾可能會用「性別相同」之便而進行實質上的性騷擾或甚至是侵犯，有些人可能會因為“反正大家都是女人（或男人）”的原因而接受對方的騷擾行為，一般女人不能接受男人毛手毛腳時，為什麼角色一旦換成女人，卻又似乎可以接受？原因之一也可能是：同性間就算發生了什麼也不會珠胎暗結。可是話又說回來，撇開懷孕不說，如果女人不允許男人的騷擾動作，為什麼就允許女人可以做相同的行為？被騷擾的一方如果知道施予騷擾動作的女人腦子裡所想的，其實跟會對女人性騷擾的男人腦子想的是大同小異的，這樣被騷擾的女人還會因為對方是同性的關係而任其上下其手？


「我在學校就看過R同學她把整個身體靠在J同學的身上，手還同時觸碰J同學她的腰和臀部，我想J同學之所以不反抗可能是因為“大家都是女人”。可是大家都知道其實R同學是個T，而一個身為T的女同，以我個人的理解，除了每個月的生理期會提醒自己是個女人之外，其它時間她其實都認為自己是個十足的男人。她的想法是男人、打扮方式是男人、行為舉止也是男人，搞不好就連骨子裡也是個男人，所以想像一下：當她們（女同裡的T）進行騷擾動作時，腦子裡因為出現情色畫面而興奮、而有了生理反應，這樣妳還能說那不是男人的騷擾嗎？如果妳是因為性別的關係而“接受”這樣的騷擾，那不是給她們機會對妳的身體為所欲為嗎？」我說。


Jeanine沉默不語。


我說的例子其實只是個案，我相信大部分的女同（不論是T還是婆）都是很尊重女性的。這個話題在我們喝完咖啡之後結束了。

如何讓你遇見我 在我最美麗的時刻 為這


我已在佛前 求了五百年 求衪讓我們結一段塵緣


他說他叫小樹。


Ken和小樹一同躺在三溫暖裡的房間裡，房間很小很擁擠，裡頭的空間只夠他們兩個人的體積，Ken望著上頭微弱的小黃光，封閉的空間充斥著射精後的腥羶霉味。方才的激情已退，體熱也隨著射精後而漸漸冷卻，他明確地感自己的身體由熱轉涼，他碰了一下小樹的身體，體溫依舊是熱的，空間裡凝結的氣氛令Ken昏昏欲睡，在半夢半醒之際，腦子裡想起了小蔣說的話：「在三溫暖裡別奢望找到對象…」在Ken的腦海裡浮出小蔣說這句話時字字斬釘截鐵的模樣。


其實會到三溫暖的人都只是為了尋求一時的刺激，等到射精清醒後，大家都心知肚明彼此將各自回去，有bf的就回到bf的身邊，沒bf的就回到原來孤獨的生活模式，會彼此再聯絡的機會大概只有千分之一。Ken並沒有把小蔣的話聽進去，所以又來到三溫暖來尋求發洩，也懷著些許希望能遇上千分之一的機會。


Ken看見浴室前方的梳妝台上除放了綿花棒、衛生紙、吹風機、乳液供浴客使用之外，角落還放了便條紙和筆，Ken心想一定是有這樣的需求才會放這兩樣東西。走進迷宮似的走道，走道兩排便是休息的小房間，不假思索地，Ken推了推每間房間的門，有的早就有人在裡頭鬥法，有的則是空房，有的裡面只躺著一個人，形孤影單地等待陌生人雙手的撫摸。Ken潛入其中的一間，轉身將房門鎖上，曲身蹲在男人的旁邊觀察，那男人的眼睛瞇成一條線，彷彿也在觀察Ken，Ken倏地推開蓋在下面的浴巾，伸手握住了那男人的陰莖，陰莖在Ken的手上緩緩漲大，他將男人的包皮往下推，粉色的龜頭探了出來，Ken另一隻手按摩那男人的會陰，男人開始呻吟，呼吸也隨之變得急促，一會兒時間過去了，躺在地上的男子似乎只肯自己享受，他至連碰都沒有碰Ken一下，把玩了那男人的陰莖一陣子之後，Ken覺得無趣便離開。


回到走道，Ken尋找下一個潛入的目標，此刻迎面走來另一個男人，他們相互打量對方，Ken看見男人的嘴角微微揚起，他們擦身而過，Ken不認為那樣條件的男人會對他有興趣，只能做不滿一分鐘的短暫欣賞。那男人的眼鏡下面是漂亮的眼睛，凸起乳頭的下方連著的是厚實的胸肌，兩隻手臂有象徵性慾的濃密體毛纏繞，那應是眾人所慾望的俊美形象。Ken繼續尋找下一個可能，結果在轉角又遇上剛才在走道擦身的男人，那男人靠在牆上，蓄意把胸挺出來，眼睛瞟到Ken這裡來，浴巾圍著的地方壟起一塊小丘，Ken把那男人的肢體表現看作是一種調情的呈現，Ken於是在那角落吻了那男人。那男人說他叫小樹。


Ken撫弄著小樹的手毛，他喜歡這樣的感覺，像是撫摸著不可思議的現象，因為在Ken白皙的手上找不到一根毛，唯有透過陽光才能勉強發現皮膚上有細細的汗毛。


「餓了嗎？我們離開這裡出去找東西吃好嗎？」Ken問。


他們在附近找了一定日本料理，Ken極愛日式餐館的氣氛，他堅稱自己不是哈日，只是喜歡日本的部分文化。但是他吃生魚片、看日劇、也常租日本電影的DVD，電視上的日本綜藝節目他更是不會放過，他聽平井堅和宇多田的音樂，我不知道他這樣跟哈日的差別到底在哪裡？他們叫了兩份Nigiri壽司，兩碗味噌湯和茶碗蒸，小樹很仔細地咀嚼放入口中的食物，細嚼慢嚥，連喝湯的時候都很輕，深怕打擾什麼似的。


「放進嘴裡的東西一定要充分咀嚼，這樣食物才會和唾液結合，食物進入食道後才會完整地被胃所吸收，發揮食物的功效。咀嚼也會延長進食的時間，進食時間一旦拉長，身體才會有時間把飽足的訊息傳給大腦，這樣一來自然不會吃進過量的東西…」


「你才幾歲？怎麼會懂那麼多？」


「再三個月我就要退伍了，平時就愛看有關健康資訊的雜誌。」


「難怪你看起雖然有肉但卻不胖。」


小樹笑得燦爛，又長又濃的睫毛讓他不需要借助畫眼線來增加眼睛的立體感，微笑時右臉上深陷出迷人酒窩，Ken想像那酒窩裡盛滿了水，他泅泳在那水裡無法掙脫…吃完飯後小樹拉Ken走進便利商店，買了像是膠囊之類的東西。


「沒事你買藥幹嘛？你不舒服嗎？」


「才不是！」小樹也給了Ken一小包：「吞了它吧！這個可以把我們剛才吃進去的東西將熱量轉為能量。」


「你為什麼這麼在意自己的身材形象？」


小樹於是為Ken唸了一段席慕容的詩：「雖然我也求了五百年，可是我不知道那個人會是誰，在他相遇以前，要一直保持我最美麗的時刻。」小樹接著說：「所以在那之前，我不能喜歡你。」


Ken無言以對。


小樹後來提議去西門誠品，這個時間逛書店的人並不多，裡頭只有三三兩兩的幾個人。
「退伍後有什麼打算？」Ken隨手拿了本雜誌。


「我之前是學設計的，退伍之後當然朝相關的行業走，我連履歷表都投好了，就等約時間面試。」


「我驚訝你做事很有計畫，不像時下有些年輕人渾渾噩噩過日子，這年頭考個位數都可以上大學了，除了電腦遊戲的角色提升之外，我想不出來他們還有什麼事情可以擔心的。」


「我一向都清楚自己要的是什麼。」


他們走到書店的二樓，到了樓梯間小樹停下腳步：「我喜歡美的事物，所以當初才會去學設計，也希望我往後的工作都可以接觸美的事物。」Ken凝視一臉認真的小樹，轉身準備上樓。


「等等！我還有件事還沒做。」小樹拉住了Ken。


「還有什麼事——」小樹不等Ken把話說完就吻了上去，Ken先是一陣驚嚇，這裡可是公共場所，也懷疑是什麼樣的勇氣能讓小樹如此不顧旁人可能撞見的眼光，抑或只是雄性激素的一時衝動，有那麼一刻，Ken有了幸福的感受，深切希望他就是那個千分之一…

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曾經以為是一灘死水，突然在這段晦暗的時間裡活絡了起來，說文思泉湧太自負，不過是突然好多事想寫，好多話想說，於是一直不停地寫。在周遭的人都以為我游手好閒時，他們不清楚其實我的腦子裡在不斷思考情節的放置和文字的排列，也許這樣是安撫自己的方法，必須找一些事來轉移自己的注意力。諷刺的是，有些想寫的事正好是我想要避開不願再提及的事，看樣子好像又回到了原點，但還是盡力先不去書寫令人覺得痛楚的部分，只是該面對的還是得面對，此刻又想起某個想寫的題材，是關於一首歌。


過去的那些戀情（如果它們算是戀情的話），只是懸浮在心中小小的悲傷情節，事過境遷以後，即使再回想，也不會有太多的情緒參與。


你用冷漠築起防衛，為了不向外界透露一點點你內在的情緒波動，對你而言，這樣可以安全一些，同時也免去四周可能發生的情事參與（這裡說的非關愛情）。冷峻的面具足以嚇退那些妄想靠近的陌生人，不過偶而還是有例外，總會有幾個不夠體貼的人毫不考慮就闖進你警戒的範圍。


「這個給你吃，」一個女孩拿了碗油飯過來：「吃吃看，看好不好吃。」女孩是大樓的員工，離職後還經常在大樓附近逗留找朋友，有時會畫上誇張不適合她的眼妝。


「很好吃。」你肯定地說，其實油飯沒有味道。


下午，一個男孩靠過來：「請問，這大樓的總幹事是哪位？」


「請問你找他有事嗎？」


「樓下的販賣機會吃錢，販賣機上面有貼告示說販賣機的問題可以找總幹事…」


你告訴他怎麼樣可以找到總幹事，他微笑道了聲謝。偶而會看見他從對面慌慌張張地趕來上班，跑的樣子有點滑稽，衣服和褲子的樣式顏色始終不搭，有時邊跑邊做鬼臉，是個可愛的孩子。