純粹的快樂是甚麼感覺？
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei說她常常睡不好，總是一瞬間從夢中變得十足清醒，
                                                                               
看見屬於她的黑色世界。
                                                                               
                                                                               
或是說，看見屬於她的，晚上的黑色世界。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei有三張臉，三個性格，三種生活模式，跟三個價值觀。
                                                                               
                                                                               
或更多。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她穿著平滑絲綢般順應世界的面具，掩飾容易受傷斑駁的真
                                                                               
實臉孔，她大笑容納所有想接近她的人，卻把自己關在一個
                                                                               
沒有鑰匙孔的黑色牢房，從方形孔洞向外看。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她不讓別人走進的，是一個過於寫實悲觀的潛意識，是一個
                                                                               
連她自己也走不出來的潛意識。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei不騙人，她的誠實比世上所有人的誠實加起來還多，雖然
                                                                               
她已經到了明白誠實是一個弱點的年紀。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「我還是不想騙人。」她說，背靠著窗框，右手食指跟中指
                                                                               
間刁一枝菸，側面看去，她的剪影很孤單。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她一直都身處於熱鬧的人群裡，卻總能一邊微笑一邊孤立自己。
                                                                               
                                                                               
也許在這個世界上，沒有人比我更瞭解Mei，即使我並不確定
                                                                               
，我所看見的她，離完整的她還有多遠。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei身上滿是矛盾的魅力。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她習慣故作瀟灑，讓人注意，樂觀，爽朗，善於鼓勵別人，好像
                                                                               
永遠不會生氣，她花錢如流水，喜歡誇張的配件，對甚麼都無所
                                                                               
謂，常常掉東西，嗜好千奇百怪，為了逞強，她總口不對心。
                                                                               
                                                                               
但她又是柔軟脆弱，對某些特定的人事過於執著，偶爾情緒失控
                                                                               
說出幾句真心的髒話，像一把忽然熊熊燃燒的蘆葦，她對奇怪的
                                                                               
細節印象深刻，那些她在意的小事像刀一樣刻在她心裡，她喜歡
                                                                               
自在的生活，簡單樸實，她不喜歡為麻煩的事情動腦筋，她是一
                                                                               
個酷愛沉默的人，在她想沉默的時候。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我不知道哪一個她比例比較多。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她從來不在別人面前哭，她從來不讓別人看見她的所有。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「我是個怪人。」她說：「超級怪。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
她給我看她小時候的照片，臉一直沒甚麼變，我聽說，相由心生
                                                                               
，所以我想，那大概是因為她的心一直都乾淨地像個孩子。
                                                                               
                                                                               
某本漫畫中有個角色叫「笑面修羅」，臉看起來很溫和，但是卻
                                                                               
是反派，我想Mei也是一個這樣的人，外表跟內心差很多。她外
                                                                               
表糊塗和善，像個天真的孩子，但她的內心熱情偏激，有某一部
                                                                               
份像一顆陳年的老繭。
                                                                               
                                                                               
能言善道，卻常常躲起來抽好幾個小時的菸，一句話都不說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她比誰都能看透世情，卻又比誰都放不下。
                                                                               
                                                                               
強烈的直覺，難以解釋的憂鬱。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她長得乾淨，就像路上一般常見的女生，大眼睛，小嘴巴，長頭
                                                                               
髮，動不動就笑。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「可是你不開心。」我說。「你的眼睛有時候看起來不開心。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei看著我，露出整排好看的牙齒。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「噓，不要跟別人說。」她說。「這就像魔術師的秘密，不能隨便透漏。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei說她很羨慕我，因為很多人愛我。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「可是我沒有媽媽，也沒有爸爸。」我說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei拿出煙盒，熟練地在膝蓋上敲了敲，我發現她換了一個新的打火機。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「寶貝，有沒有人愛你，跟有沒有爸媽是兩回事。」她說：「有時候
                                                                               
，別人用錯了方法愛你，比不愛你還慘。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我不喜歡Mei叫我寶貝，我知道，當她這樣叫我的時候，就是她想掩飾
                                                                               
某些情緒的時候。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「你們育幼院的氣氛很好，我喜歡。」她對我眨眨眼。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我不喜歡故作放浪的Mei，我看見她某些不小心掉落滿地的脆弱。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「Mei，為甚麼你總不開心。」我說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「我沒有。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
她看著我，沒有笑，也沒有不笑：「我只是沒有開心。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
燃盡的煙灰落到她手背，她痛呼著用力甩掉。「媽的。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei每星期來看我三次，每次一個下午。跟之前的復健師相比，她做的
                                                                               
事情很少，但對我的幫助最大。
                                                                               
                                                                               
只有她能讓我乖乖聽話。
                                                                               
                                                                               
別的復健師會扛著我的身體，逼我運動我的雙腿，他們好言相勸我許
                                                                               
多道理，一再保證我只要忍耐就可以撐過去，可以跟以前一模一樣。
                                                                               
                                                                               
他們讓我心煩意亂。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei不會。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「我不騙人。」她說。「只要你乖乖聽話復健，以後快走絕對沒問題
                                                                               
，但是你這輩子別想劇烈運動。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我當時呆住了。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她看著我，眼睛紅紅的，但是表情就像在閒話家常。「嗯，你可以游
                                                                               
泳，不過記得要把義肢拆下來。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我沒有哭，讓Mei很生氣。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「你哭啊，小孩子這麼逞強幹嘛？我特許你哭一次！」她說。「肩膀借你。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我搖搖頭，不知道該怎麼回答，從來沒有人對我說這麼直接的話。
                                                                               
                                                                               
那只是一次小車禍。
                                                                               
                                                                               
結果，哭的是Mei。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她的心底住的那個心地善良的小孩，總在她情緒崩潰的時候出現，撕裂她
                                                                               
平日掩飾良好的溫文儒雅。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「你哭啊，你哭啊，我特許你哭一次，你不哭心裡怎麼會舒服？」她說，
                                                                               
口氣就像小學生。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei只在我面前哭過那次，卻不是為了她自己。
                                                                               
                                                                               
第一次見到Mei，她穿緊身牛仔褲和低跟高跟鞋，跟之前那幾個年紀比較
                                                                               
大的復健師感覺不太一樣。她的娃娃臉笑嘻嘻地不太正經，深咖啡色的頭
                                                                               
髮很隨便地綁了一個馬尾，我叫她去買幾本髮型書回來學著綁新髮型。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「太麻煩了。」她說。「乾淨就好，我對我的臉有自信。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei有種天份，可以把普通的衣服穿得很有味道，洗舊的牛仔褲和普通踢雪
                                                                               
，搭配她熟練的虛偽禮貌，我想大部分的人，不管懂不懂她，都很喜歡她。
                                                                               
                                                                               
有一次，她的白袍上沒有繡名字，她說因為臨時找不到她的袍子，所以隨
                                                                               
便從櫃子裡借了一件。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「這是偷。」我說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「不是，拿了沒還才是」她淡淡地說：「我這是借。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
「你教壞小孩子。」我又說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei看了我一眼，那一眼的沈痛濃重到我無法呼吸：「也許現在教壞你，對你是
                                                                               
好事。」那是她第一次讓我看見她的另外一面：「以後你就會明白，課本上所
                                                                               
教的一切都跟現實生活相反。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei習慣把話說清楚，她沒有拐彎抹角的習慣。
                                                                               
                                                                               
第一次復健結束後，她問我：「你希望我直接跟你談，還是跟你們院長談？」
                                                                               
                                                                               
「跟我談。」我說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei挑了挑眉：「喔？你確定？我可不會講些好話安慰你。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
「跟我談。」我說：「我已經厭倦了好聽的廢話。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
也許是那句話，讓Mei對我另眼看待，我因此有幸得窺她真實世界的片段。
                                                                               
                                                                               
第二次復健結束後，Mei要我自己推輪椅進會談室找她。那是我第一次推輪椅
                                                                               
走那麼長的路，我停下來好幾次，每次都要拒絕幾個好心護士的幫忙。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「不必了。」我說：「這是復健的一部分。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我的手掌因用力及摩擦發紅發燙，我從來不知道輪椅這麼重。
                                                                               
                                                                               
但我心底推的不只是推輪椅，我感覺，我推的是我的人生。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei在會議室等我，她倚著門框，手中有一疊資料跟一枝筆，一邊看著我一邊寫
                                                                               
東西，她那天穿了一件米色的七分褲，修長的腳踝下是一雙白色紙拖鞋，我噗
                                                                               
嗤一聲笑了出來。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她沒聽到，她很專心在評估我的狀況，完全不知道她的皮鞋還留在復健室門口。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她很容易認真，一認真，就把世界上其他的事情都忘了。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「不管遇到再困難的事情，抱怨是沒有用的，我只是希望你明白，不管你手上
                                                                               
有甚麼，利用現有的狀況來讓自己過得好是唯一的方法。」她說。「不管你坐
                                                                               
輪椅，還是裝義肢，甚至只能在地上爬，當你想要前進，你就要自己努力，抱
                                                                               
怨是沒有意義的。」