I saw his buddy first, then him... I was ashamed of myself and the next moment, I turned away instinctively to avoid him -- the man i yearned to see... It's been one month and three weeks since i saw him. The last time we met was on 7th july and i saw him thrice on that day. 

In this past week, i have been dreaming about him almost every night and i knew i could no longer lie to myself that i have put him behind me. yes, i thought i have done so but apparently my subconsciousness seems to suggest otherwise. To put it in computer lingo, the RAM of my brain has not deleted him from my neuro. However, the minute i saw him, i made the stupidest move. i turned my back on him and pretended to make a call on my mobile. 

i did not have the courage to tell him i am an insurance agent -- somebody whom many people shun. And i was dressed shabbily today. The moment i turned away, i felt i had turned him away from me too. It's paradoxical, isn't it? I yearn to be with him yet I am turning myself and in a way turning him away. In this manner, i'll never be with him. What am i doing? I can't understand... Maybe i'm sick, i don't have the courage to get near the guy i like. What's wrong with me? 

I waited one month and three weeks to see him again but i just gave up the opportunity so easily. How could I? But what could i do? I don't think I can pluck up enough courage to tell him I am an insurance agent now. Actually what's wrong with being an insurance agent? Especially when I aspire to be a professional and ethical one, unlike some of the black sheep in the industry. I don't know and i wish I had the answer. When would i be able to walk up to him and proudly announce that i am an insurance agent? The day I make it big in the industry, perhaps... When will i see him again? Does it matter, i wonder. I might turn away from him again, who knows...sigh...

First of all, my apologies that this entry is in English 'cos i'm blogging using my sister's PC. Mine is still in the dial-up days and it's too slow for me who have been spoilt by broadband service. Anyway, let's not waste time talking about this... 

It's been three weeks since i last blogged and that was the day i left my beloved job of reporting. I have been pretty busy these three weeks. On the first two days at my new job as an insurance agent, i didn't do much as i didn't know what to do. On the third day, i started my five-day foundation programme in Changi. The programme was pretty demanding and taxing, quite a lot of assessments, from role plays to test of product knowledge. 

I heard that unless we cleared the programme, otherwise we would not be able to start selling insurance. On my mind then was not about sales -- yes, i'm speaking the truth -- but about helping my cousin and my ex-colleague to enjoy the 20% discount on premium. If i did not pass my programme in time, the then prospective clients would not be able to take advantage of the promotion. 

With that mental burden, i made sure i passed my product test. That night, i was busy burning midnight oil mugging up and had only three-and-a-half hours of sleep only. Because i thought i would let down these prospective clients if i didn't make it and help them enjoy lower premiums. 

Thank goodness, not only did i pass the test but also came in top with only four questions wrongly answered! yes, it was an MCQ test but there were a few coursemates who flung and had to re-sit for the paper. I was blessed and always think so and therefore continue to count my blessings! Before the programme, i had already heard that the programme was demanding and many could not clear the product test. With that in mind, i became very serious about the programme. 

However, by the time it was over, i kind of miss it. On the other hand, i knew it was time to face the world. No matter how high marks i scored during the programme and how i managed to pass all the six tests conducted by singapore college of insurance -- all six tests at first attempt, i knew the real challenge awaited me after the foundation programme and i was a little frightened. Just one day after the programme ended, coursemate Kevin, whom i felt was the least serious about the programme (sorry, kev, i am just being frank) among the four of us, clinched the first deal... 

subsequently, he also closed a few deals...whereas i who had been very serious about the programme had not performed as well as him. What does it say? Performing well at studies does not = excellent work performance. As i have said, i was fortunate. Even before i joined the insurance industry, my cousin and my ex-colleague have offered to give me support to kickstart my new career. And i am greatly appreciative of their kindness. However, after these two kind souls, I have yet to clinch another deal.. . To put it accurately, I have yet even to make another appointment. So what will turn out in the days that follow? Let me update you in due course...

加入：2000年10月2日
离开：2006年8月6日

今天是我在报馆的最后一天。虽然正式离职日期是8月6日，但因周末是我的休假日，所以今天是我的最后一天。

早上，告诉自己不要哭，我要笑着离开。可是，到我常光顾的小食店买咖啡时，老板娘Shirley不收我的钱，引发了我今天的第一轮泪水。

过后，从公司回高庭收拾手尾时，同事一珍姐送来红包给我，又催我泪下。这几年来给她添麻烦不说，她还这么照顾我，让我实在感到难过。一时离别不舍之情涌上心头，眼泪夺眶而出。结果，搞得她也眼湿湿的。

近六年的记者生涯，一晃而过。当年加入报馆的情景历历在目，恍如昨日。六年后的今天，我离开报馆了，无论是友情、人生阅历或性格上，都丰富了许多。

除了加入报馆第二个月就失去我一生的最爱——我的姑婆外，在报馆得到了许多许多。我结识了许多同事，他们不少变成了我的好友；我的眼界开阔了，从小市民到部长都接触过；我的性格也比较外向了，不再是当年怯生的我。

三个月里到访总统府五次、在验尸房外等候新闻、电视新闻报道、跑法庭新闻……这些都不是一般人能够做到或接触到的。若不是这份工作，也不会有机会丰富我的人生。

尤其是跑法庭新闻：黄娜命案、梁少初受审、Slim 10诉讼……黄娜的尸身照、刘红梅残肢的图片、惨死女雇主的剖尸照……

X X X

原本是要从星期一，离开倒数第五天开始写起。可是，忙着发电邮道别和收拾东西，结果一天拖一天，直到今天。

星期一，我回去公司做exit interviews。在临别之际，才发现主任其实是个心软的人。而且，他吃软不吃硬。奇怪，要走了，反而觉得许多人很可爱。或许，这就是不懂得珍惜吧！我也借该次机会告诉他，我修读了CFP的课程。

多亏《财经追击》刚介绍财务规划师，所以他马上对我的这个专业资格有概念。他还说：“所以，要买保险就找你啦？”

巧的是，当天采访组也召开例常会议。出席当天会议的有五个新的同事，执行编辑谆谆善诱地教导她们，如何当个好记者。他的这番话，把我的思绪带到六年前，当我还是个新记者的时候。

从来没有想过，我有一天会成为无冕皇帝。小时候，就是想到教师。曾经一度想当律师，可是欲望不强。后来，什么师也没有当上。

现在，只剩我一个人在高庭的媒体室里。当我熄灯后，我的记者生涯也随之结束。曲终人散……

下午与著名刑事案律师S喝下午茶，谢谢他这些日子以来的帮助。他知道我要去卖保险，他说他已经不受保了。

S只剩下一个肾脏，此外还有其他疾病缠身。我问他，这个故事的教训是什么，他回答说，要在很健康的时候购买保险。我补上一句“应该是保重自己的健康”。

防范胜于治疗。保重自己的健康应当是最重要的。不过，世事难料，所以在保重健康之余，买保险也是应该的。不是我卖花赞花香，不怕一万，只怕万一。

今天早上，收到他的回邮后，感到失望，有点儿不开心。不过，后来想到他没有表示，也说明了他是个好男人，心里也就释怀了。

过后，傍晚时分，上网站去查看考试成绩是否公布了。好开心哦！及格了！顿时觉得这一年多来的辛劳都是值得的。

去年2月开始，进修特准财务策划员（Certified Financial Planner）的课程。前五张试卷都是第一次就及格，唯独第六张试卷却失利。过去一年多来，每回请假都是在图书馆里温习。有时，碰到上课日，工作还没有完成，就拎了膝上型电脑去课室，晚上10点多下课，回到家里11点多，吃了晚餐又开工，一直写稿写到凌晨两三点。若太累，就先睡觉，凌晨三四点爬起床写稿，写到清晨七点，冲个凉后去上班。

第六张试卷分两个部分，每一个部分历时三小时，两部分都在同一天分上下午考。不只是考学识，也是体力的一种考验！现在终于完成这个课程，接下来就是累积三年的相关工作经验，就可以正式用CFP这个头衔了！

感觉真好！我觉得I'm blessed。最近，经常有这种感觉。身边的朋友、同事听到我要辞职，有不少人都给我支持。有一个朋友甚至让我用她的户头，上网去听听Anthony Robbins和Robert Kiyoski（《富爸爸 穷爸爸》的作者）的励志演讲。他们的好意，让我备感温暖。我希望有一天，能够回馈社会pay it forward，作为感激他们的方式。谢谢你们的支持，我会继续努力以报答你们！谢谢！

“Most welcomed please. All the best for yr next endeavour. ”

离开这份工作之前，电邮他道别。他的回复？只有短短两句——“Most welcomed please. All the best for yr next endeavour. ”真是字字千金。

看到这两句话，当然感到失望。

我发了则简讯告诉好友RT和JX。

“他回我的电邮了，当时只有短短两句话。没问我新的工作，更没说保持联络……感到失望，但或许这样更好，长痛不如短痛。”

JX说：“dunt be 2 sad,men r like dat, they normali dunt ask much. if u want u can still email him occasionali 2 keep in touch”

“No, if he's keen, the least is to say we'll keep in touch. I'm not even his fren, how do i email him? Even ML asks where i'm going. It's time to move on, start afresh -- job & personal life.”

也好，除了工作是时候move on，感情也是时候告别一个段落了吧！

这是早上的事情，当时始终难免感到生气。不过，过了几个小时后，我的想法改变了。

我为他的女友感到高兴，至少他不是个见异思迁的男人，或是一脚踏两船的花心萝卜！这样想，心里感到释然了。

再见了！祝福你……