the smart-ass punk rocker

[播放暫停按下面，歌詞原文點這邊]



As kisses go/ It wasn't anything out of the ordinary/ The alkaline lips/ Her fingers hooked around my belt/ She had to go/ She took a step back in and then she started to smile/ I heard a funny sound/ And everything seemed to shift
A crazy wail/ A funny shutter of a bad magnetic event/ A ghost ran through us/ Moving like a shadow of a cloud/ I wasn't sure/ I thought that something happened but I didn't know what/ The moment seemed to fade/ And I turned my eyes back to her/ That's when I saw/ I freeze the look of pre-alert and study it still/ Her smile starts to loosen/ Her pupils yawn wide and then she's blown/ From the face of the earth

There wasn't any wind/ No noise/ No nothing/ Just a body jerked skyward/ Limbs flailing like an unloved marionette/ At impossible speed, receding away like a far away dot/ I can see her still/ Scream for help but no one answered/ She turned end on end looking like a long lost astronaut/ I felt the summer air reclaim me/ The chirp of a bird, the whisper of leaves/ And I was frozen/ To the face of the earth

I never really knew the way she lived her life/ I tried a couple of numbers but they never called back/ I didn't know her family or friends at all/ With no one to call, summer turned into fall, I gave up/ It's been a couple years and I guess I'm fine about it/ It's not like we were married, it was three or four months/ And nothing's really different though it seems like I've spent my life in planes/ Which is kind of strange/ But I don't know....

The Face of the Earth (DeSoto, 2001)
music by the Dismemberment Plan
lyrics by Travis Morrison

上週在遊戲噗看到這樣一篇文章，內心似乎有點感觸，卻又稱不上濃烈或激昂。

有一段時間，我也常常在別人的生命裡扮演不告而別的角色，諸如將女網友放鴿子啦、在用餐後結帳前落荒而逃啦、卯起來讓房東找不到我啦、公司尾牙宴當晚臨時「掛急診」啦、被選為社團幹部之後頻頻上演失蹤記啦，反正都不是什麼光榮的事──現在想起來，當時的我簡直是在跟過去的我進行一場比賽，看看誰能在最短時間內得罪最多人。

最讓我耿耿於懷的則有兩件，都發生在大一那年。上學期時，政大舉辦第N屆的金旋獎，陳珊妮的學弟黃一晉──也就是三腳貓的吉他手與後來默契唱片的創辦人──找我組團上場表演，我受寵若驚滿口答應，rehearse兩次之後卻突然意興闌珊，於是胡亂編了個爛理由宣告退出 (當時距離比賽只剩一週時間)，爾後縱是在校園裡遇見這位學長也慚愧得不敢打招呼了。

然後是下學期，一位漢姓高、來自後山的原住民吉他手，民族系的大一新生，看到我的招貼而與我聯絡，共商組團大計。我生平首度造訪台北市南區的Scum與B-Side (後來的Vibe) 等地下樂團的表演重鎮，大大開了眼界，亦賴他的引路。或許是刻意營造友善形象以迴避正面衝突的惡習作祟，我沒有勇氣對他說破：他所熱愛的樂團 (主要是Guns N' Roses與早期的Nirvana)，我一點也不感興趣；他所憧憬的形象 (搖滾硬漢)，實是我私底下的笑柄。這一次的不告而別有著最嚴重的後遺症：畢業前我偶然獲悉，他始終誤以為我棄他而去另組新團，乃是輕蔑他原住民血統而然。原來這三年來，我的背後一直有一雙敵視的眼睛。

我從來不喜歡扛負責任。對那些經常逃避責任卻又緘口不作辯解的人，一般人多的是譴責，我倒視他們為自家兄弟姐妹。輕言放棄、急欲掙脫、心口不一、陰晴不定、自以為瀟灑、迴避群體生活，既是我們的原罪，也是我們的刑責。當然啦，我無法斷言當年那個驟然拋棄南宮博士的女孩兒也是我們的一份子。我只能如是猜想：她有一個不可說的理由，而且 (跟我一樣) 已為自己的默然與漠然付出代價。

正確的 (或者該說是被社會所認可的) 做法，應當是厚著臉皮硬著頭皮表達歉意，並冀求對方原諒吧？可我們這種人，就是膽小外加死腦筋；寧可把歉意緊緊抱在懷裡... 直到它融化。

猜猜看，下一次不告而別的，會是誰呢？你會恨他 (她) 嗎？如果會，恨過之後能不能原諒，有沒有放手？