Summer Sun

it was a really pleasant surprise that my previous "mypaper" is still kept alive. what should i do with that? i thought anything being completely ignored for two years should have evaporated already, or been sucked into the nameless virtual blak hole.

yet, here it is. more surprisingly, i still remember the log in password.so i updated it with a new layout, very cute and very colorful, with a childish charm.

http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/news/soleil/

maybe i can post my english writing here and chinese there? or critical writing here and mumbling stuff there? any suggestions?

腳傷的日子 ，時間好像也變得遲滯。我在原地踏步，鐘襬卡到了齒輪 ，有一格沒一格底前進， 恍恍惚惚。

指甲、毛髮、不斷增生的表皮細胞，生活好像只是不斷的反覆。偶爾出門一趟，看著傍晚的天光，才發現季節已經換了，植物都變了表情。我待在家裡，把自己當作長年生的盆栽，過著一種與時間無關的生活，整天在家裡閒晃。

這樣沒有意義的生活，心情要保持著極為平淡。我每天都睡到中午，醒過來以後還覺得疲倦。好像有一張極纖細及緻密的網子，攏住了我的思考的方式，沒有辦法深刻的認知或體驗什麼。

既然無法墊起腳尖，天邊一朵雲的未來也就越來越遠。反倒是回憶在夢境裡，變成很親和的面孔，安撫我零零散散的神經。有時候，躺在地毯上，會突然想起很久以前的一些人、講過的話，沒有什麼重大意義的，但是想起來以後，溫習一遍，心好像就可以靜一點。

十月就在這樣看似優哉游哉的鏡頭下出現，焦慮躲藏在睡前無害的葡萄酒杯裡。

因為家裡有人需要安靜唸書，我也需要一種清清淡淡的旋律，最近家裡的音響唱的是Earl Klugh's Naked Guitar. 那樣珠圓玉潤的琴聲，真的可以讓空空洞洞的生活，有些安和感。

it has been a week since i had my ACL reconstruction surgery. it's a week of motionless, tasteless, and shower-less. ya, that's right, because my leg needs to stay absolutely dry, i haven't had a proper shower for a week. how aweful...

the surgery itself was quick, only took 2 hours. i got home in the afternoon and was knocked out by anesthesia for several hours. the most difficult part is trying to move with a leg covered by heavy knee bracelet. i have to pull and drag myself around, in a way that's like mermaid on the dry land....

the good news is that i am recovering well. i now can walk a little with crutches, and hope to start swimming as part of the rehab practice in a month.

wish i can go back on my feet soon!

somehow i feel my brain is not functioning "intellectually" recently. because of my tragic knee injury, i need to do everything so slowly, it generates such a mental state of inactivity. granted that i have so many textbooks that i want to, and need to read, i hardly have the energy to do that.

i tried to make it up by cultivating my artistic side. i truly enjoyed oil painting. it was like playing with ancient alchemy or taking chemistry lessons. the oil colors are quite magical. so many different colors and textures, and so many different possibilities...

and seal and i just bought a new drum set. it was totally an impulsive buy. we were at the costco the other day, and saw a super cheap eletronic drum set. she looked like a 3-year-old seeing a huge ice cream cone when she said "i want that drum set!" with sparkles in her eyes and a big smile that no one can say no to. so, now we are having a lot of fun playing with it. hope our neighbors won't file a complaint...

it's my super long vacation, during which i am weaving my artist's dream.

so i had a delayed start of my summer vacation and was given a super long break afterwards. semester ended in may but y my june was a whole month of nonstop dissertation writing. it was a sleepless month and I had to work about 15 hours per day. simple, that month. work, trying to breath, running, and trying to sleep. the one-hour running along town lake was a sacred moment, the golden sweet sunset, the calming breeze, my beloved city.

then july was all about travel. seal and i went to uk to visit my mate nat at london, fish at york, and lynn at edinburgh. nothing could be more comforting after a month of laboring than having a good time with old mates. we also visited the lake district in northern england--what a wonderful place to retire to!

here came the hectic august. i passed my dissertation defense at end of july (hurrah!) but the second day i turned it in to the graduate school, i tore my ligament and was almost immobolized. seal came, took care of everything, did all the cleaning and packing (with w, a truly friend in need), and drove me all the way to los angeles. my tiny little toyota echo was literally stuffed. but it had made me proud from surviving the burning hot 1,384 miles.

now i want a big powerful brand new car, ha!

i was really down after the injury. i was shocked when i was told that my ligament was completely torn and wouldn't be able to play sports for 9-12 months. so i have been a lazy coach potato since...until one day i realized that my brain has stopped and I am becoming quite dull...

so i signed up for a oil painting class at a local adult school. just bought some unexpectedly expensive paints and brushes the other day. felt like an artist already, ha.

my surgery is schedule on 9/25. hopefully soon after that i will have a better mood to be up and about, exploring the city los angeles. there still is food to be tasted, music to be listened to, and wine to be drunk.

the world is still turning and i am walking gingerly to catch up.

ok i spent whole day figuring out the new layout of my september blog. i like this clean design. now needs to put some words out.

oh well, will start writing tomorrow...

happy september.

I have been living like a hermit, living in the world of lonely dissertation writing. Every morning, I get up, open the window blinds, let in the sunshine, pick my music soundtrack of the day, and start working for hours. 

Once a senior student told me, when I was still a party master student, that the most important pieces of furniture in a doctoral student's house are--mattress and studying desk--since one's life oscillates only between the two. I laughed with sympathy but now it has become true to my life...

But the summer plans are encouraging me to keep fighting the D-monster---the trip to UK, and the road trip accross half of the States, and moving in to our first new place together!

Seal and I found a lovely lovely one-bed room apartment with a balcony, with big windows and spacious kitchen. I already have so many ideas about the flowers and plants I am gonna grow at the balcony. It's so nice to have a place that you can dream about, and enjoy living in.

So now, you all are welcome to visit me~ after I get out of Texas of course...

chin up, the fabulous summer sun will lead me to GRADUATION!!!

spring time, spring time, these words resonate with me like a melody, like a piano sonota. that gives me a better mood for work, even though i got a stupid cold, with a running nose refusing to let the winter chilliness go.

Seal and I have been practicing yoga for a month now, and it does give me a piece of quiet time, a piece of zen, like some mental vitamin. maybe some day Seal and I would become one of those spiritual lez couples...haha, that sounds more like a joke.

I am now sitting at the Mozart Cafe patio, with leaves falling all over me and my keyboard, and some in my iced mocha... I am working on my interview verbatim, with a spring picnic plan in my mind...

TransAmerica, the first Hollywood production that tells the life story of transgender/transsexual individuals....

Is it a good step? Yes. Visibility is always the first step towards any progress and it's different from the previous freak-show type presentations of trans people.

But most of the glitz around this film is on and on about how the "Star" Felicity Huffman effectively transformed herself in her performance of a male-to-female trans woman. Everyone was astonished by the dramatic change she could pull off, especially in contrast to her role in Desperate Housewives.

It is like, once again, we witnessed how a hollywood princess can temporarily step down to take on an otherwise dreadful role to show off her acting, like the ugly lesbian killer in Monster (Charlize Theron),  the trans-boy of Boys Don't Cry (Hilary Swank),or  some overweight women (Renee Zillweger or Gwyneth Paltrow). And we will always be assured of their "normativity" when they were all glamorized again to promote the films.

It's just rather odd and ironic for me to see a pretty female star to play the role of a male-to-female trans woman, though she did a great job.

On the other side, the best trans films I have seen are documentaries about female to male trans-men. Mayeb it's partly due to the fact that media is less able to sensationalize trans men as they can do with trans women, and thus those stories are more down-to-earth, more sophisticated. Honsetly, I am kinda sick tired of seeing trans women putting on their makeups, selecting the "feminine" outfit, and behaving extra ladylike. Women are not all like that, why do trans women have to be all like that? There are definately trans women who are strong, sporty, and don't care about being a "lady."

So, this film is a good step, but a baby step. Do see it if you have a chance.

it has been quite a long time since my last thread.

oh, the dullness of sipping hours and hours of caffein in front of keayboard and computer monitor.

hours, days, weeks, and then a whole month escapes my consciousness. the same old soundtrack of life, repeats itself until every pitch and every tone blends into numbness.

have i gone bored? i am afraid so.

but no worries for me. it is just a tiny drop of humdrum.

i chew on the work planner and bite my tongue.

It is a combination of stressful end-of-semester chaos and the holiday-merry-go-around shopping season. It feels like I have a thousand things to work on, and I am interested in none; I want to shop tons of things, and need zero.

Note to myself: shopping frenzy is a symptom of spiritual emptiness.

I have been busy for my interview studies. That was relatively fun, compared to other research projects such as surveys, experimental designs, or programming. And I have met many kind and interesting people. But interviews can easily wear me out. I would become somewhat anti-social afterwards, as if I had talked all day. In fact, I only asked some questions and listened.

I miss the quiet in-bed reading time. There is some kinda sweet aura surrounding the warm fuzzy light and the peaceful slice of life.

I was just informed that my paper was accepted to a major conference. Nop, I didn't feel any particular excitements, only felt "ok, one more conference to prepare for..." Anyway, at least, I am glad I have an excuse to celebrate!

Gotta defend my dissertation proposal by end of this semester. Now everything seems to be on the right track and graduation is no longer "unimaginable." Can't imagine someone would call me "Dr. Tsai"...that sounds more like a joke in my head.

Alright, I told you, this is gonna be my babbling thread. Thanks for your patience of reading such a bland life.

I haven't done much this week, probably a break from the stressful week of dissertation writing. It's in the hands of my supervisor now, and hopefully she falls asleep reading it and have sweet dreams, and thus happy to pass it as it is. I don't need to rewrite much.

The state of Texas passed the amendment cementing marriage in Texas as being solely between a man and a woman. I was so very disappoineted and couldn't believe it from what I saw and what I felt in Austin; it's a liberal city that I love. Basically, Travis county where Austin belongs to is the only county that rejects that amendment. I guess, out of Austin, the rest of Texas is pretty conservative, to a scary degree that I can not even imagine. Before the vote on Nov. 8th, even the hate-group KKK, who called themselves "The American White Knights of Ku Klux Klan" held a rally on the Austin city hall piazza. That stunned many Austnites, even to the conservatives. I hope those anit-gay marriage people can now realize the bigotry they shared with "what kind of people."

But, the community seemed to be pretty calm about it. Nothing much to be heard or debated.

Nothing much in my mind recently. I finished Winterson's "Passion" and was just, contented. I adore her writing. Will now read everyone of her books.

Nothing much left in my mind. I feel hungry all the time. I exercise, read, eat, sleep, as a normal person. But my thoughts are already in the other side of the continent, where my heart belongs to.

it’s hard to write a love poem

i put down words and toss them away

so clichéd and so yesterday

.......

now i wish i can play some instruments

nor can i sing

words are so limited and i don’t know how to rhyme

........

or can i draw you a portrait

capture the enchanting hue in your eyes

but i am color blind

........

i am not that ambitious, really

to describe that feeling called love

i only want to make you breakfast

and see you smile like a child

The end-of-october wonder of one hour extra (daylight saving time adjustment) was wasted by daydreaming. I was suddenly panicked by the arrival of novemeber. Damn, I am so far behind schedule.

But plans are plans and life goes on unexpected. I stick with my fun plans, not my academic schedule. For the first day of this chilly month, I have a doctor's appointment, one lunch conversation, two meetings with professors, a new tennis lesson, and Liz Phair/Cary Brothers' gig.

crazy crazy, I must have lost my mind, or too self-indulgent.

It’s a cloudy day.

bababa

I had an appointment with my chiropractic doctor this morning to examine my upper back pain. It’s funny that I got this free consultation from my favorite local ice cream shop, Amy’s Ice Cream. I saw the signup for free massage, and I LOVE MASSAGE. Seriously, you give my massage certificates as holiday gifts and I will throne you as my best friend of the year, ha. My doctor was quite professional; we even measured if I stand with an equal balance or inclined to one foot. I also took X-ray of my spine to make sure no other major problems in the way of correcting my posture. However, the clinic which also practices traditional Chinese medicine sells a lot of stuff imported from China; that gave me goose bumps.

bababa

And it’s cloudy today.

bababa

I had a stupid fight with Seal last night over the “battle” between science and humanity. It all started with a random chat on novelists’ imagined “machine counter-attack” in the invisible future. Quite silly, wasn’t it? I think we both took ourselves too seriously, sometimes, or it is the downside of trying to be critical?

bababa

And many of my friends are suffering from a bad flu.

bababa

I have been listening to Low’s “The great Destroyer,” and Sufjan Stevens’ “Illinois” a lot during my dissertation-knitting hours. Particularly, Stevens’ new “Illinois” album is the painkiller of any blue residues. This album is the part two of his “50 States” project that he proposes to compose music for each of the 50 states—an inward journey for him as a white, middle-class, male, American, I assume. His previous album “Michigan” (2003) was rooted in memories of his homeland while this “Illinois” is his exploration, rooted in "the world, in society, in disease, in education, in business," said Stevens. On a morning of 1975, baby Stevens was found in a milk crate on the doorstep of Mr. and Mrs. Stevens, tagged with the mysterious note “I Love You.” They named him Sufjan Stevens, after Abu Sufjan Muhammad, the great Armenian Sufi warrior who slew ten thousand dragons to save the Fairy Princess. Oddly lovely, Stevens and his music.

bababa

And Seal just called, no more anger and no more tears. Sunshine will come through sometime today.

Liz Phair will strike the first beat of November, Death Cab for Cutie will sing along on 11/6, concluded by My Morning Jacket's "Wordless Chorus."

These are the live gigs that I will attend in November. Tix ready, only a friend missing. Come alone, anyone? 

--------------------------------------------------------------

Have been listening to Fiona Apple's new album "extraordinary machine," absolutely fantastic. In addition to the gentle bitterness at the backdrop of her voice, she adds a naughty cuteness in her new songs.

Since I got so many new music recently, I spent the whole afternoon playing with my iPod Shuffle. It's so tiny and weightless, a great workout companion. It's fun to go through the CD collections, picking the melodies for some comfy outdoor breezes. It's like making a mixed tape for a beloved friend, always quite exciting.

Liz Phair is coming to Austin on 11/1 to promote her new album "Somebody's Miracle". Granted that her previous one is a commercial pop, her attitude has toned, and her chores have lost the edge, I am still very fond of her voice. I have prepared for the smooth side of her, and drop the discussion of sellout or artist in transition.

Ever since she released her first album in 1993, Liz Phair has been an icon of the independent feminist alternative rock movement, plus, she sings about sex, a lot, which makes her even more popular if not controversial. As she said about her music, ""No matter how I do this, my best songs have profanity in them."

Anyone want to check out Liz Phair's gig with me?

One doesn't need weather forecast living in the middle of Texas. You can estimate the temperature and UV index when you see the glorious sunbeam outside of our window. It doesn't matter if it's 99F or 106F, only occasionally we will have free ice cream if it's over 100F.

During the unbearable summer, we all count the days and months for the long hot season to end. But it often feels like we only have one season left in Texas. The mysterious autumn is a highly anticipated guest who always arrives late.

Then, after one quiet night, when everyone gives up waiting, the fever says goodbye without leaving the crowd a note. When I wake up in the morning, the faint sunlight smiles like a friendly stranger, a new friend to be acquainted?

The autumn is only one night away. So is my lover, a 3 hour flight and 2 hour difference, away.

I just found out that my favorite Japanese musician Cocco who "retired" in 2001, is now back with her new band "Singer Songwriter."

She once said that only through music that she can let the anger and pain to drain away. When she quit her music career in 2001, she also said she no longer had as much anger and pain.

But now she is back with a new band! I listened to the samples on the band official website. The Cocoo who used to singing with tears is gone; sweetness and happiness are what filled her music now. But because she is still Cocco, we don't need to worry about sugar-coated artifical sweetness.

I still remember how I was so overwhelmed by her music when I first listened to her album in a listening station. Her music was so loud, and powerful, that the whole world around me just shut down. That was when I was still in college, caring about nothing but obsessed with questions like "self" and "freedom."

Now writing a different leaf of my journal, I am really glad my favorite musician has returned with a new view of life. Music did say a lot about life.