查爾豬．生活在袋鼠國

嗯，今天看到這篇文章，給有興趣的朋友看看。
回想我自己的生活體驗，當澳洲人知道我是異國婚姻的一份子，絕大多數（幾乎），都是露出「那有很多挑戰得面對」的神情，就像這篇文章的開頭一樣 DO couples of different races and different cultural backgrounds face extra challenges in their relationships?　　　　

我鮮少愈到幾乎沒遇過會沒大腦沒小腦一股腦子的羨慕，「好好喔～嫁給外國人。」的澳洲人。（反倒他們會超級羨慕我的焦糖皮膚色，哈。）　從一開始到現在，我實在不懂，嫁給外國人，到底哪裡好。前幾天一個久沒連絡的朋友知道我住在澳洲丟了一句「好好喔～天天說英文」　@@　　

羨慕我，我還羨慕你捏，好好喔～天天說中文。。有時候念英文念到爆炸的我還會埋怨哈比豬，「都是你拉～沒事中文說那好做啥，害我淪陷異鄉。嗚。T_T 」　

內文都是英文，有心情再來寫心得報告。。

By Oryana Angel
August 24, 2008 12:00am

DO couples of different races and different cultural backgrounds face extra challenges in their relationships?

Growing up in the French Riviera, Anne Monie, 25, could not have had a more different childhood than that of her fiance Miguel Quivaqui, 26, who grew up in the capital city of Peru.

But today the couple, who have been together for nearly two years and live in Sydney’s south, feel they have more in common than not.

“The way we live is very similar, even though we didn’t experience the same things when we were young,” Monie says. A logistics operator who was born in Paris, she grew up in Cannes.

Quivaqui, who grew up in Lima, adds that before he met Monie he wouldn’t touch raw steak and didn’t understand the French fascination with cheese. The fact that he’s now a big fan of both is just a small symbol of how cultural differences have enriched their relationship.

“Being from Peru, I thought France was such a developed country and would be much more ahead of us, but when I saw Anne’s iPod for the first time, I realised it was the same as mine,” Quivaqui, a network engineer, says.

“We like the same music, the same movies and doing the same things.”

Monie and Quivaqui are one of the many couples living in Australia who come from different ethnic backgrounds. Like many of their counterparts, they have found common ground in their life together.

According to an Australian Bureau of Statistics 2006 report, 30 per cent of Australian marriages are between males and females born in different countries. If you add de facto couples into the equation and throw in couples from different ethnic backgrounds, those figures are even higher.

With high immigration rates – around a quarter of Australia’s 20 million people were born outside the country – increased international travel and the rise in internet usage, the likelihood of more interethnic and intercultural relationships is greatly increased.

Depth of difference

June Duncan Owen, a historian and author of Mixed Matches: Interracial Marriage In Australia (UNSW Press), was so intrigued by people’s reactions to couples who looked physically different that she spent several years travelling around the country interviewing couples and writing a book about the history and impact of inter-racial marriages within Australian society.

Overall, Sydney-based Owen found that the physical differences rarely mattered within the marriage, although there was usually an awareness that the racial differences caused interest and often prejudice from society.

She did, however, find that if any issues were to arise within the marriages, they were more likely to be cultural differences, in addition to the usual issues that arise within any marriage.

“If you marry the boy next door, you already know much of their cultural behaviour,” Owen says.

“When an Australian man marries a non-Australian woman, brought up elsewhere, she will have different ideas of the role in the home, for example.”

And Owen should know. She’s an Australian Anglo/Celt who has been married to a Malaysian of Sinhalese and Indian parents for 50 years and has four children with him.

“It’s very hard for an Indian man to accept that a cold meal is a proper nourishing meal – even if it’s the middle of summer,” she says.

“You are sharing daily cultural habits which are different to yours; the challenge is whether the family can stand it.”

Interestingly, though, Owen says all of the families she spoke to made adjustments and only two out of the 100 couples she interviewed have divorced in the 10 years since she began researching the book. “They were all pretty happy marriages,” she says.

Cut from the same cloth

David Hudson’s grandmother was forcibly removed from her traditional homeland (she was part of the Stolen Generation), yet he says his parents instilled the same values in him that his wife of almost 30 years, Cindy, grew up with.

The couple met in the early 1980s in Alice Springs, where they were both working. “We had a lot in common; we’re both from the country and had similar childhoods, with parents who were the same age,” says Hudson, 46, one of Australia’s pre-eminent indigenous musicians.

He adds that their racial differences have never been an issue: “It doesn’t even enter into the equation – we don’t give a hoot.”

An educator on indigenous culture, he says there has never been a problem from either of their families, despite his quite possibly being the first Aboriginal person to enter Cindy’s home town of Ariah Park, about 100 kilometres north of Wagga Wagga.

“When I go back there, I’m one of the boys. No-one cares whether you’re black, white or brindle; at the end of the day we all bleed red. We’re all from one race,” Hudson says.

Cindy, 47, a nurse, adds: “Even though we come from opposite ends of Australia, our lives seemed quite similar. We love music, sports and bringing people together.” The couple has a 15-year-old daughter, Jedess.

A good fit

Once the honeymoon period is over, sustaining any relationship comes down to compromise, understanding and plain hard work.

Brisbane-based Relationships Australia counsellor Paul Simmons says: “When I have worked with couples of different cultures and ethnic groups, their issues in counselling have mostly not been specifically related to the differences in their ethnic origins.”

He says ethnic identity or geographical birthplace is only one element of several factors that contribute towards attraction and a sense of a “good fit” in a relationship. “Other factors include socio-economic status, employment, level of education and shared interests,” he says.

He points out, however, that tensions can arise from outside the partnership – from parents, extended family and the wider community.

To counter these difficulties, Simmons recommends the usual relationship maintenance and enhancement strategies: being open and honest about feelings, being prepared to discuss disagreements, attempting to understand each other’s positions, accepting the good intentions of the other, and uniting together in the face of adversity and problems, rather than attributing blame.

When love can’t conquer all

For Henrietta Gates, 35, these differences were just too great and she ended a seven-year marriage to Abdul Hamed Elsammak, 28, because he wanted to bring up their children, should they have any, according to Muslim law.

When Gates, a massage therapist from Sydney, met Elsammak, a carpet maker, in Sinai in 2001, he had never left Egypt, but his charisma, warm nature and magnetic personality made her believe “love could conquer all”.

Almost immediately, issues arose. “He expected me to dress according to what he was comfortable with, covering my shoulders to the elbows and my legs to the knees,” Gates says. “He also expected me to be home when he finished work, and was very protective. He didn’t like me having male friends.”

Eventually the couple moved to Brisbane, where Gates’s mother lived, and matters improved as Elsammak learnt more about life in Australia. But after years of ups and downs, their core differences – especially those that focused on religion – came between them.

“From the beginning I knew it would be a bit of a challenge, but I was thinking, ‘This is exciting, fun and different’,” Gates says. “I was intrigued to learn about his culture and see if it could work between us. I’ve always been intrigued by people from different cultures.” And she has no regrets: “Even though we separated, we still have a very good friendship.”

For more information
¿ For relationship coaching, education and support, call Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 or visit
http://www.relationships.com.au